(COLOMBO, LANKAPUVATH) –During last night’s CHRISTMAS tree—triggered much, libs??—lighting ceremony at the White House, renowned grifter and Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke had the distinct pleasure of introducing the big man himself.
After introducing Donald Trump, who took the stage with wife Melania at his side, as the man who “made America strong and safe again,” Zinke called Trump “the man who brought Christmas back to America.”
KIDS DON’T READ THIS: Trump is Santa, or Jesus. Ask your parents! I don’t make the rules!
Trump has (only) been in office a couple of years, so we’re left to assume that he originally brought back Christmas 2017 (or perhaps Dec. 25, 2016, when he was president-elect). All those gifts you opened in late December for some reason during the Obama presidency meant nothing. You probably handed Grandma a gift with her name on it and said “happy holidays” like a schmuck.
Lucky for us, the marketing genius who runs the country had the brilliant idea to bring Christmas back for an encore once again this year, just in time for the holiday. Oddly enough, there’s no word yet on whether Trump will bring back Hanukkah for 2018—but stay tuned.